• Issues

Rokelle Lerner describes boundaries as having a sense of ourselves, and our perception of how we are different from others physically, intellectually, emotionally, and spiritually. Boundaries are there to provide protection. They are not fixed; we can change them with what we feel and who we are with.

When our boundaries are intact, we know that we have separate feelings, thoughts, and realities from others around us. We need boundaries to get close to others, otherwise we will not know where we start and others end. When we have healthy boundaries, we know when people are violating our rights. A person without boundaries will not know when someone is physically, emotionally or intellectually abusing them.

Developing boundaries is one of the core issues of codependency and especially adult children of alcoholics. They need to develop boundaries to develop their identities and reclaim their inner selves. Growing up with unhealthy parental figures can result in a disconnected self. A disconnected self occurs when you hide your identity away from others in an attempt to change the environment. If you hide your true self long enough, you forget who you are. Parents can blame the children for their inappropriate behaviors and deny the reality of the family dynamics.

No parent consciously destroys a child’s boundary system. In fact, Rockelle Lerner shares that boundaries are often set in honor of love by parents who lack a clear sense of themselves or do not understand the importance of allowing their children to set limits. It is important that we enter our recovery without needing permission to do so. It is up to us to form our boundaries with others. No one can do this for us. Repairing damaged boundaries may require assistance from a sponsor, therapist, or healthy mentor. A therapy group will allow you to learn and experiment with your boundaries in a safe and nurturing environment.

It is time to be reunited with an old friend – that old friend is you.