• Issues

Shame is cunning. It eats away at a person’s self-respect and dignity. Unfortunately, many individuals get involved in shame-based relationships with out consciously knowing it. These relationships are humiliating. It is the difference of feeling like you did something wrong and the feeling that something is wrong with you. Each one of us deserves to be treated with respect. It is our personal human right.

There are one-way shaming relationships and two-way shaming relationships. One-way shaming couples usually involve power and control. In a two-way shaming couple, you will see that they are both actively shaming each other. People who grew up in shame based families feel like the critical relationships that they are in today are normal. They expect to be told what is wrong with them, or they take on the role of shaming others. Relationships with mutual respect feel dishonest, and they do not trust them. The more a person suffers from shame, the more they believe they deserve it.

Keep in mind that the person, who shamed you or is currently shaming you, may not realize it. This means that they are also acting out their shamed based patterns in the role of the attacker. It is important for you to look at how you are both roles: the victim and the attacker. Also keep in mind that shame based relationships can be changed. Individuals can break the cycle of shame for themselves, as well as working together in relationships.

It is important to identify the shamed-based behaviors and work on their origins. Once you have been in a shamed based relationship - it is easier to be attracted to them again. The shame prevents intimacy, which is typically what they both want. Be aware of how you feel while around different people. As yourself:

• Do I feel less intelligent and incompetent?
• Do I feel embarrassed after a conversation with them?
• Do I feel like a child around them?
• Does this person speak of my shortcomings often?
• Do I believe that this person can’t accept me for who I am?

Keep in mind that you can be shaming yourself with old messages. Shame can be that damaging to your dignity and identity. With the help of a counselor you can break old patterns and learn new ways to connect with yourself and others.